Thick and tired of being mistaken for The Michelin Man’s hairier, heavier brother, my ambitious New Year’s resolution for 2014 is purposely geared to spend much less time around those irresistible, but oh-so evil gals Laura Secord, Wendy, Sara Lee, Poutine Patty and Aunt Jemima.
If all goes according to plan, Greenpeace will never again roll me back in the water while I tan on a beach and, hopefully, we won’t need satellite for those cheesy before-and-after training photos.
As red-nosed relatives chowed down Christmas Day turkey, and loose lips divulged information that “The Big Guy” was recruited to be part of the Guinea Pig Program for the 30th edition of The Vancouver Sun Run, one woofled wise man blurted: “Gordo, you can sort of be an inspiration for all the people who want to get back in shape. You know, kind of like ‘follow the fat guy to the starting line.’”
If memory serves, some of the other mock suggestions included calling me the Apple-Pied Piper and Deep Fried Piper. Family, eh?
In four months’ time, some 48,000-plus will line up for Canada’s largest 10K in downtown Vancouver. This scribe’s goal before then is to shed enough weight and log enough kilometres so that fitting into the PNG Pacers team uniform and completing the scenic race with my new ‘dashing sole mates’ will be a piece of cake. (Calorie-reduced, of course.)
The options for my pavement-denting category? Street Slugs, Grey-Hounds or Clydesdales, take your freakin’ pick.
There was also tons of online stuff about injuries and common reasons for them, like making resolutions to run 10Ks. There are motivational posters (Know your limitations and then defy them), interesting jargon (Fartlek training?) and witty humour (Hey baby, your PACE or mine?).
There are many colourful styles of footwear and sleek fashion clothing that will make you look professional, slimmer, stay drier and warmer.
Unfortunately, none of the stuff runs by itself so figuring out what works best will take extra time for this junk-food jogger.
There are also many myths and excuses discouraging running — you’ll throw your back out of whack, you’ll drool like Rocky, crave steroids and do irreparable damage to your legs and feet. But the upside is running is cheaper than therapy, sweat is fat crying, your couch will last longer and shouting “let’s kick some asphalt” just seems like a lot of fun.
In the new year we’ll be blogging about training tips and routines, the proficient people who will prepare us for the April 27 road test, some ideal diet plans, the fun runs in your community, the groups who benefit from this exciting event and the doughnut shops and drive-thrus suffering financially in my neighbourhood.
We hope you’ll follow the blogs and columns, but more importantly we hope you either run in the event or come out to support the thousands who do. If nothing else, it’s an interesting morning of people watching.
And don’t worry about finishing last. My supportive relatives can think of at least one gravy-loving Clydesdale who has that spot wrapped up like pigs in a blanket. Family, eh?
FOOT NOTES: Also on the Guinea Pig Program are Chris Catliff, the president and CEO of BlueShore Financial, Bronwen Thompson of BlueShore Financial and reporter Kelly Sinoski of The Vancouver Sun.
FOOT NOTES: Also on the Guinea Pig Program are Chris Catliff, the president and CEO of BlueShore Financial, Bronwen Thompson of BlueShore Financial and reporter Kelly Sinoski of The Vancouver Sun.
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